I was suppose to write about someone that I am upset with and that I am contemplating or have decided to end my friendship with that person. But then I played this song, and my mind fell to my friend. And once again, I was drawn to my laptop to put it down in words. I love words, they free my thoughts from my mind. I laid on the floor and played this song. I closed my eyes and once again the house was in slumber. Just the humming of the song came out of my laptop…the wind from my ceiling fan rustled against my arms and I let myself go limp and welcomed the song to penetrate my skin and take me to my memories of Dale.
Today I thought of his family and can’t even begin to phantom how they got thru this almost two years ago. It boggles my mind. My heart goes out to them as the anniversary nears and I can only imagine it is so prevalent and weighs on them fiercely. My prayers are with them because they lost their gift from God, Dale.
Hey Love,
Hope you were waiting by the heavenly mailbox because it is me again. I love this song. I hope you were hanging nearby at your funeral and could see how loved you were and how this song is just so fitting and captures the love, the pain, the loss they all felt. I desire to see you again. I need to hear you. I want to turn back time and find you. There have been countless times my travels took me thru Dallas. Many times, my husband was behind the wheel and I would look out the window and think of you each time. I often thought how you were someone near and I couldn’t find you. I would send you messages in my thoughts and hope you at least felt me or that I might have crossed your mind for a fleeting moment. Ah, how that would bring me such comfort.
Tears still come, even when I think they have all left my body, they find a way to come back again. My sobs are muffled as I don’t want to wake my daughter but know they are loud inside me.
The song Mi Universo now plays in my head without even hearing it. I was sitting in my cubicle having a bad day, a doosey and the song came into my head and I smiled. I thought maybe he is thinking of me…maybe he knows I know now that he is gone.
You are so missed and there is a hole here where your soul once was. Be sweet my love and know I think of you often. I miss you….I can’t say that enough.
Me
Dear Dale,
I am sitting on the floor in my bedroom on my laptop. Everyone is asleep and hubby is at work. Your sister Dell is the best. She keeps helping me more than she probably realizes because I know she keeps you alive in her voice, her heart and her stories. She was so nice to send me a message that the song she had on her myspace page was played at your funeral. I found the song on youtube and I am now playing it for the 6th time and I will continue to play it over and over while I write this to you because I feel it brings me close to you. I couldn’t be at the funeral but I close my eyes when I hear it and picture me being there and saying my goodbyes. But I don’t want to…maybe if I don’t visit your gravesite you will still be alive and I just can’t get any contact information on you…maybe that is what this is.
The song is Mi Universo by Jesus Adrian Romero. I have never heard of him or the song. But I can’t stop crying. I have such profound pain in losing you. I sit and look up and see my ceiling fan spinning and I know I am breathing air and you aren’t breathing it with me. I so want to yell at you…I want to scream at you. I am so livid that you left me here. Then there is the side of jealousy as I know you are with our Lord and you are so being loved on. I know you are resting and at peace and that brings me such peace. Beyond my own comprehension.
I just can’t stop feeling like the world is less of a place without you to grace the ground and without you to bring the light into a room. The few times I got to see you, I can always picture you walking into the room and I was always drawn to you. I always wanted to go near your side and get under your arms and hug you and never let go. How foolish of me to have let go. I won’t lie I never told you I always wanted to pinch your cheeks…but I figured that happened to you as a child because of your dimples.
Right now I grip my heart because the pain won’t stop. It is getting harder and harder as the dream of hearing you passed almost two years ago won’t go away. No one is slapping me to wake up as my tears turn to screams. I keep shrieking out loud “NO”. Why can’t I still have him…I want to be selfish in this one Dale. I do…I want you here…of course so does so many more people. This probably won’t be the last letter I write to you. I write as a form of therapy. The more I write the more I get thru the grieving process…so be at the heavenly mailbox to get more as they come. I think this is the denial/anger stage. With a little bargaining to put on top. I know I will come to terms with this but right now I just clutch to this song and to my pain.
I love you! I so hope you remember me when you see and I join you in heaven. I am coming one day when the Lord takes me Home. Be waiting at the gate with that smile or I am going to be so infuriated with you. Have your arms open so I can run into them. And then afterwards you can give me the grand tour.
Missing you,
Me
I kept meaning to get around to giving my movie review on “Wall-E”. I have seen it twice and won’t lie I would like to see it again but am going to refrain and wait until it is on DVD. I took my daughter who is now in love with Wall-E but must compete with her mommy. J And her Aunt. It is hard these days to find a movie where their isn’t something about it that maybe you don’t want your kids to see or hear. As Christians, it seems to be getting harder and harder. Even some of the alleged “kiddie” movies have enough innuendo to make them less than kiddie friendly.
With Wall-E it was purely kid friendly. I didn’t worry about closing her eyes or wondering if she understood some undertone in a statement. It was such a delight and Wall-E makes you just want to get out of your seat and hug him. The Pixar Studios/Disney did such a phenomenal job with this movie and it appears life like at times. I would see this movie a hundred times. Be Blessed,Me
Well I think I have been officially made a member of the motherhood club. Our darling daughter became sick quite suddenly this evening and within minutes we knew we would be driving to the emergency room. I had some anxiety as I didn’t know what to pack, what documents I would need, would it be serious…hundreds of thoughts danced thru my mind as I packed our diaper bag and headed out the door. The little one really didn’t know what was going on and that helped as she stayed calm then mommy would too.
We went thru triage fairly quickly and soon were put in a room. I had heard so many horror stories about ER visits that I was expecting the worse but received the best overall.
The hard part was when they wanted urine and blood samples from our princess. As I watched my child in fear and pain, my heart crumbled and hit the floor. I sobbed along with her and kept wanting to snatch her up from the nurses. She pleaded with me to make them stop and I couldn’t do that for her. The one time I so wanted to do it but couldn’t. Hubby was strong…men…I swear they must be made of steel. When God was mixing ingredients in His bowl for men, STEEL has to have been top on the list.
After it was all said and done I held her tight till her sobs passed. Inside I was still crying. I am a mother. Having a child thru natural birth doesn’t necessarily make one a mother. Sure you had the child but being a mother is so much more. When my heart broke today and I saw her tears and heard her screams for me to save her, I was a mother. I felt my chest quiver and my heart ache like it has never done in my years breathing on this Earth. I am a mother. I know I will probably have to do that again and I hope no time soon but I will do what a mother does and be there for her as best as I can.
She is now asleep and doing much better and hopefully soon it will be a distant memory for her….but I don’t think it will ever leave my mind of her face as she reached for me and called me “mommy”.
Be Blessed,
Me
My sister is making her office her own….here is her latest addition to her desk. I think I might steal them.. 
My daughter loved this book. Splat the Cat is afraid of the first day of school and finds out it isn’t so bad after all. Rob Scotton is also the illustrator and the author. His pictures are crisp and life like and kept my daughter’s attention the entire time. He uses a play on words and has some hefty characters such as Mrs. Wimpydimple, Splat’s school teacher. So pick it up and see if your youngster doesn’t fall in love with Splat the Cat.
Be Blessed,
Me
It was winter of 1991 when I met my husband for the first time. We met online (back in 91 it was very local and the internet in Texas only reached a few major cities) and decided to meet in person after we claimed our love for one another. I was terribly nervous as I had never seen him but he did receive my picture in the mail (USPS mail that is) you couldn’t do near the things you can do online now. I can still play the moment I saw him in my mind when I close my eyes and I knew he was the one. We spent most of the day together talking and planning our wedding. We both knew we had found the other’s soulmate. We married about 4 months later.
Here it is 2008 and it truly doesn’t feel like it has been that long. It feels shorter. As our anniversary approaches in a few weeks it had me thinking of this scripture in relation to time and marriage:
2 Peter 3:8
8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.
I feel like I need more time. Like only days has passed by with him. It feels like it is going way to fast and life keeps us from slowing down and resting with each other. When we were younger we use to turn off all the lights, turn on the music and light a candle from time to time and just lay on the bed and enjoy the music. Sometimes we would have in depth talks about our future and what we wanted in life. Sometimes we would sing just taking turns singing a verse and we just automatically knew who would sing what verse and when we would sing together. I so miss those days as life as devoured them from us. But I do not fear because a couple of months ago even as new parents we had such a night. It brought back so much and we enjoyed it fully.
I hope we rekindled what made us so intimate together from our early years in our marriage and relight them with a new commitment to stay connected for 50 more years. We began to plan our first wedding anniversary with a child in our lives and in all honesty will welcome the break and will be packing some of our favorite music and some candles. We will surely miss our darling daughter but we know the key to a strong family is us being strong as a married couple.
Be Blessed,
Me
I sit at work and my mind runs to my daughter. I miss her fiercely when I am at work. Today I received some news that really hit home with the blessing I have in being her mother. It was sad news but good in that it reaffirmed my motivation as her mother. I was in the 6th grade when I knew I wanted to be a mother. I knew it.
I was standing on a chair looking at a mirror that was hanging in our living room. It was near an entrance to our kitchen and I was peeking in watching my mother cooking for dinner. I don’t know where my other siblings were at but it was just me and I had this moment all to myself. I watched my mother roll out tortillas and she didn’t know I was watching. She could have done anything without us there to bother her for the millionth time. I saw her put such care into her cooking. She kept going and going because she wanted to be done in time for when my father arrived home from work. This was her normal routine. I never heard her complain to us. I never heard her put her fatigue on us and that she had five kids and a husband to care for. She didn’t do that. She kept moving forward.
As I stood there watching her I knew I wanted to be like her. I wanted to care for a husband and family. I wanted her life, in that moment I wanted to be the one preparing dinner and putting love into her meal to her family. Mom, you are the greatest and my inspiration to be like you still lie within me. I probably will never be as good as you but I won’t stop trying.
Years went by and soon I wondered when I would have my family. The Lord blessed me with a phenomenal husband and then I waited for the family part. I always knew that I couldn’t bare children but wanted them so bad that I hoped I could. Time continued to fall from my calendar and I waited but God is so good. He showed up in my desire to be a mother and blessed me more than I could have imagined.
Now, I am a mother in an extraordinary way. I can’t tell the whole story but I can only hope that I please God with His choice in us to take care of our princess. Jasmine’s mother, if you are out there and reading this from heaven’s door, thank you. I have grieved for you today and probably will as time rolls by but know we are taking the best care of her and have made her ours. We love her like she came from our flesh. She is a delight to anyone who meets her. Her smile must come from heaven because when she does, she lifts up anyone who even catches a glimpse of it. Thank you again for having her and I am sure we see you in her everyday. Rest in Peace.
Blessings,
Me
Today my sister, my daughter and I went to eat at Gringo’s Restaurant and afterwards I decided to take some pictures of my daughter outside the restaurant….let me back up for those of you who don’t know I have begun a project where I try and take a photo once a day to capture that day. Well today (I have been at it since 6/12/08) I was taking photos one after the other and I actually forgot I was in public doing this and it was a wonderful feeling…my daughter just did her thing and it turned out fabulous…well I think it did. Here are two of my most prized photos…one of my sister and one of my daughter.
We went to bed last night truly believing we would wake up late as our little one is sick and the medicine makes her really sleepy so we chalked that up to sleeping in which as most parents of three years old know that is a rarity. Both hubby and I raise our heads quickly as we can hear our daughter thru the monitor set up in our room. I began laughing and he stated “that’s your daughter”. Our daughter was singing…loud and proud at 8:30 a.m.! We both rose out of bed laughing and smiling. I looked at my husband and said to him “God is good because that is one blessed alarm clock we have.”
It really made our mornings to wake up to hear her singing and happy first thing in the morning….still sick but she never lets on to it.
Be Blessed,
Me
