Hi Mija,
You are such a delight to have in my life. I can not express all that you do for me. You are such a huge part of my family. I couldn’t get thru all of this if I didn’t have you….May the Lord bless you as you have blessed us.
Archive for May, 2008
It still hurts beyond my own comprehension. I knew I loved and adored Boo Boo. He was just too cute for his own good. His charm always got me. He had a way of trying to make up when he knew he was in trouble. He couldn’t rest till he and I or he and his daddy were back to the way it was. He wouldn’t give up till we all hugged or made up in our own way. Once he had that he could go off and take his nap that lasted all day if at all possible.
My family nicknamed him “Bonkers”. My sister often tells the story of him jumping on the waterbed, he was much younger, and he was jumping and bouncing up and down. His ears would flap in the air as he went up and came back down. So she named him “Bonkers.” I can still see that wonderful moment in my mind. I can see his ears, my favorite thing to rub on him, going up and down.
My family mourned with me. My father adored him. Anytime he came over, he would go straight for the dog, and pass me right by. He would call his name over and over, and Boo just loved the attention with his tail going back and forth as he took all of my dad’s affection in. You could see my dad and Boo both smiling at each other. They had a special bond. Dad loved him. When I had to tell them I was going to have to let him go, my mother cried and I knew it hurt my father. He told me he was the best pet in the world. My sister’s cried, my nieces/nephews all hugged me when they came by after he passed and all said they loved him. He was family to them all. Boo may not ever know how much happiness and joy and laughter he brought to us. He served us impeccably with grace, loyalty, humor and his ever lasting charm.
I just want to hold him. Why is he not with me? Why can’t I just hold him one more time? Why can’t I just look into his eyes and tell him “I love you mijo”?
I often write to heal myself, to get stuff out. I thought writing would heal me….it isn’t. Time must be the answer. How I loathe that answer. I want to go into a room and scream, pull my hair, and fall to the floor and make a horrific noise to represent my pain. I want to hurl items across the room and tumble over in my wrenching sobs that I silence as I sit at my lunch trying to get this pain off of me. It sticks with me so tightly.
I will leave you with the lyrics to the song that always brings Boo to my mind. I am only putting the lyrics that truly bring me to the moment when I lost him.
You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson
Another day has gone
I’m still all alone
How could this be
You’re not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so coldEveryday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay
But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we’re far apart
You’re always in my heart
But you are not alone
I thought I would take the time to pay tribute to the friends that God has blessed me with. And some of the things I love the most about them. The Lord has richly blessed me with some of the finest people on Earth!
Keka- If I ever need to hear a Mexican soap opera I know to run to you. If I ever need to cry, I can come to you. If I need to laugh I can come to you. If I need to be vulnerable without judgment you are my girl! You have been there for me thru the years and I hope for ever more! God gave me the best bestest friend when He sent you to me. I love you with such a passion and respect. Don’t ever let me go …
Alicia- Where can I begin, I still can see you sitting on the bench in the hallway with your hubby and you two were laughing and next thing I know we are friends for over a year now with our children and the grip on our bond has never been tighter. I know that I got thru this because of you and my husband. You are truly a gift from above. I can’t wait till a few years have gone by and we can look back and see how many blessing the Lord has given us and how far we go in this path He has placed us on. Love you to pieces.
West- I know you don’t know how much I trust you…to watch after him. He would do anything for you and for that I value our friendship. Thanks for putting up with me as the “third” wheel and for embracing me in the group. I never truly felt out of place. Thanks for all the times you considered me when making desserts…that meant a lot to me. Thanks for taking care of us in your own way. I pray for you always. I can’t wait for when the dinners are back on…it isn’t the same without all of us there to laugh and wait for the next show to come on. Love you dearly and hope we are always all together. Don’t enjoy it too much out there!
Monica- The core would not have been even remotely as interesting had you not begged to be my friend…LOL. Just teasing but you have been a blessing beyond any magnitude I can put in words. I look forward to seeing you and will be at your graduation with bells on..you deserve a parade but don’t think they will let one come thru the stadium for you. It has been such a delight to be your friend. I can’t wait to see what the years bring us. I have true heartfelt love for you my dear friend.
Kamen- 18 years it has been you and me. That is a long time…my hubby is the only other person I have known just as long. Wow, we have made it. Seems nothing can keep us apart. I love talking to you and being a part of your life. I want such blessings for you and your family. Let’s shoot for 18 more! True friends are hard to come by, but I know I have one in you no matter how busy we get.
Cha Cha- Wow, I knew when I typed your name what I wanted to say about you. What an image of Christ, I see in you and all that you are and how that comes out as Christ in you. You are so authentic and humble at the same time. That is what I always loved about you. You are the real thing. I see you struggle but I see you standing on the Rock already claiming victory in the name of Christ while Satan tries to cling one of His mighty warriors He has in you. Keep reaching souls my sister and bring them Home! My love for you overflows!
Piglet- Aww, my darling piglet, you bring to my mind my youth that my mind is still in but my body has abandoned me. I love to talk to you and laugh and have fun. You bring that out in me, which I think is some of my best qualities. You never let the 19 year old in me die when I talk to you. I know the Lord has awesome things in store for you and that your mom is praying over you to find that path and walk thru it in victory. Don’t forget us old folks.
Little Bit-The giver of all givers. Somehow that seems like enough for you. You know all you do….I worry you won’t slow down to enjoy the friends the Lord has given you. So slow down, smell the flowers, laugh, cry and be in this world with us. You are so good to me and put up with me at work and vice versa. I thank you for all that you do, for everyone just in case no one has taken time to thank you. “Thank You Little Bit.” We seem to think we are tighter than we should be, you know what I mean. Get your mind rite!
Sunshine aka Size Four- Your name says it all….you just have to enter a room and I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t see the sun shine in you. You must brighten every room you enter. Your smile and warmth are your signature traits about you. Your personality is so awesome and you have such warmth for people and helping them. I am glad you are in my life and continue to bless me with your presence.
Pansy- It was a faithful day to meet you in that line and then outside. You always make me laugh and I like how we can talk just about anything. Thanks for all the laughs and the near peeing in my panty laughs too.
Dena- Your strength amazes me. I know sometimes you don’t feel strong but you are. Keep pressing on. It will pass one day and all will be fine. Thanks for being such a great partner in class. I miss those days.
Jackie- the baby in the group. It is so nice to watch you grow and see you come into your own. I know that you will be an awesome teacher and you will be the teacher that all the children will remember when they adults, watch! I just know it.
Michelle- Lady, I admire you. You do so much and carry such a load but you always walked into the room with that smile of yours. It always made me smile even if I didn’t feel up to it. I know you never knew but it did. Keep smiling we all need it in the world.
LaMonica- Lady, you are such a wonderful person with a heart of gold and voice as smooth as honey. Keep praising the Lord in your work. Hang in there and lead the ladies to the end of this path as I won’t be there much longer. I am leaving you and Michelle in charge. Keep praying for the younger ones and help them make it to the end. I miss you all already and I wish I was there all the time. Nothing like my original group!
Rashaan- Hmm, those who know you know what you were to me…those who don’t well sorry for ya. Sweetie, I have known you for longer than I have known Kamen, and those have been some years. I like how you still think of me as your number one. I know we will stay in touch and you always make me feel like a special part of your life. Thanks! Keep the faith.
I have had some time to think of loss lately…the climax for all of this came on the day we had to put our Boo Boo down after he suffered from non-stop clusters of seizures. The day is painted on my soul. I can feel it seeping in me. I can close my eyes and it plays like a movie just behind my eyelids, and flickers like an old projector film…but the ending is the same… Boo Boo is gone. No matter how many times I go over it in my mind…like why didn’t I grab him the night before and kiss him over and over and tell him how much he meant to me…more so then I could have even imagined. Why didn’t I just grab a blanket and sleep right next to him on the floor and clutch him with all I had…why didn’t I see it was coming…why did I let him go…
I am trying to grasp this loss…but it runs thru my fingers like water flowing from a faucet, I try to grasp it but it slips thru and thru. I am knowledgeable and I understand that he lived a long time for a dog…17 years. I had him for 17 years…but how do you let go when you have had him for 17 years. I don’t want to let go of him. But I have no choice. I just pray I never lose the memories. Oh Dear Lord may never lose the memories.
I don’t know how I did it. I recall my husband came home that morning (he had to work the graveyard shift) and he went to check on him. I sat in the living room hoping, clinging to hope with blood stained hands from gripping hope so tightly…I waited for him to come back into the living room to give his opinion if Boo Boo could be saved. He walked in and I knew he was going to tell me no. He sat next to me and said “I am sorry baby, we need to let him go.” I started to cry and told him “No, I think he is better.” I was fooling myself but I would have given anything for my husband to have agreed with me. Soon he was telling me we needed to get him to the vet to put him out of his misery. I told him I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t do it…I couldn’t do it again. I had put Magic, our cat, down in November and I just couldn’t do it again…walk into a vet room again and tell them to take my love from me.
He told me that he needed me to go with him and be by his side or I would regret it if I didn’t…he was right. I got dressed and got in the car for the long ride …there was no sound on the drive. It was like in the movies where you see someone driving and the wind is in their hair, flapping and the movie takes the sound out for but a moment…that was it. I would look at Boo from time to time in the backseat and pet him from time to time. We made it to the place moments before it opened. My husband walked inside to see if he could get an appt. They told him to bring him in that the vet would be there soon. He came out and got me and Boo Boo and then we waited but a few minutes before they put us in a room.
The vet came in and asked some questions…here again I wanted her to stop us…I wanted her to see hope in Boo but she didn’t and asked if we wanted to be present. We chose not to…we went out in the lobby and waited as our baby left us. I sat on one of those wooden benches and my husband stood. I tried to keep it together but soon noticed tears trickling down…on my husband’s face. I gripped his arm and leaned against his chest and cried. It took forever…I don’t know how long it took but it seemed like forever. A couple came in with a puppy and it just stung. They had their pet and we were waiting to say bye to ours. My husband kept quiet, standing tall, crying and holding me.
He kept looking outside and I kept looking at the door to see when they would let us in to see him. Finally, it creaked open and a lady in a smock told us we could see him. We both dragged ourselves in and they left us with him. We saw him there, no longer having seizures, no longer in pain, no longer suffering…but it had jumped from him and landed on us. We clung to each other and began to sob uncontrollably and leaning on each other to get thru that moment. We cried and cried and held him and cried some more. I never knew how my husband was going to take it as he is one of those strong silent type but he loved our son, and I found out how much while he clung to me and grieved for his son who was now gone. I don’t know how much time passed as we tried to get ourselves back in control. I looked at my husband, red-eyed and trying to stop the tears and we both nodded it was time to let him go. I knocked on the door to indicate we were ready to leave. But in spirit I would have stayed forever near him. We paid and left. In the car we cried and let silence console ourselves. We eventually talked and cried and talked again. We would never be the same. We still aren’t. We say his name from time to time, I know I see him from time to time. I feel him because he lives on in me. I look at his photos and remember how he wooed the ladies with his eyes…his eyes always got the women to come and cuddle with him. He had a charm of his own. I can’t stop the grieving and I know one day it will pass but right now it is all I have of him to cling to ….so Grief is my friend now.
I love you Boo, mommy and daddy miss you dearly. Kisses…Jerry Lee can’t seem to not look for you…he is trying to find you and I hope one day he does.
Sleep son, worry no more, rest.
