Dear Lord, Giver of all things:
I was driving to work this morning (Tuesday) and it was quiet and dark, ironic I say that because Houston is far from quiet in the morning commute but for me I heard nothing in my car. I had the windows down and let the wind encircle me constantly over and over it surrounded me while I drove. I put the heat on so a mixture of cold and hot pressed upon me. It was a delicious combination. I had the radio on KSBJ and had it turned up and tears fell down my cheeks. You see today was the day I would begin my pre-placement visits with our daughter. From here on, it would all count.
The radio station must have known what I was going thru because every song they played was truly for me so I could worship you in this great time in my life. Of course I knew it was You.
I began to reflect on my life as I am about to make a passage into motherhood. I remember vaguely when I started to hear You whisper in my ears at my pre-teen years that You were with me. I had already gone thru so much hurt at that age, that I swatted You away like a pesky bug in my ear to never be bothered with again. I could hear Satan fully, loud and clear. He screamed to me “He doesn’t care about you or He would have stopped those men from touching you.” I believed him. I really did. I became mad and hurt and almost drowned You out as best as I could. Looking back now..your whispers in my ears had to have been screams for me to even have heard You in such a soft tone. For years, I fought You. I did. I didn’t want anything to do with You. I became angry, bitter and afraid of all things. Love, people, the night and anyone who even remotely cared for me.
So one day You send my husband. Such an awesome love he had for me and You sent him to me of all the women in the world You selected me. I didn’t deserve him and I treated him as such. I almost lost him. But once again You were there. Except this time I was hearing you loud and clear. No longer was Satan so effective in my life. Oh he tried…but his attacks about you were no longer working or true. So he attacked me. But You were always there to get me thru it.
Now on today I am going to see our daughter…that You have given us. I couldn’t ever imagine being in this place. I dreamt I would be like my sisters and have children of my own. I knew at the age of seventeen this would not be true. No doctor had to tell me although eventually they did. I always knew I felt different and I wouldn’t be having children on my own thru my own body. I had hoped however and I often told myself I was wrong that I would birth children one day. Years fell from my calendar like leaves that swirl from the trees in the autumn winds. Soon I was at the age where maybe if I did want to have children I shouldn’t for health reasons.
Soon adoption was placed on our hearts and we began the tedious process as I have written on here that journey and our first visit was glorious. She called my husband “Daddy” on several occasions. It was so wonderful to witness these moments in our lives. Our daughter is beautiful, happy and healthy two-year old girl. We are beyond blessed. All of the glory goes to You. Thank you Lord! I can only hope that we honor You in this journey and keep you the center of attention in this family.
Wednesday we once again ventured to see our daughter. I didn’t know what to expect but what I got was better than any firework show or front row seats at a sold out concert. There she was in a white cotton shirt and blue pajama pants with a red feather boa around her neck. She played the drums with wooden spoons and anything she could get her hands on. She laughed with all her body and heart. She kept using her daddy’s legs as a slide and laughed each time she got to the floor. It was so blissful to watch her and all her movements. Soon it would be my turn….she would call me “mommy”. The best part was when she did call me “mommy” I turned. I knew it was me. Sounds funny I know but I turned. She wanted me to see something she was pointing at and she laughed and giggled and had me melting like butter.
When I left I was on cloud nine. Shoot…cloud 50!!! I kept hearing her say it over and over and soon I was crying and driving again. I remember thinking as I drove that I would love to hear those same songs I heard on Tuesday morning…and sure enough God played them again on the radio in the same order. I thought I would have to pull over to get composed because my crying was now full blown balling. My heart was full! I can’t imagine it getting any fuller than it is right now.
More details….I have a visit with the baby all by myself (as hubby as to work) on Friday.
My Daughter Running…