Today I feel horribly ugly. Horribly like a failure. I want to run from me. I don’t normally feel like this or with such intensity as I do today. Today I can’t see the beauty of me. Today I can’t imagine it was ever there. Today it feels like it was such a mirage so far in the distance that maybe I was running to it only to finally realize I will never catch it today or any other. I have been blessed with many friends. I see them and I think wow what beauty they have. Pans, Cha Cha, Little Bit, Piglet, Tamz, Sunshine, Keka, Alicia, and many more..such true beauty they have. People can see it and are drawn to them. Me not so much. I can’t see it; if it is there it is blocked by all of this ugliness. My long drawn out nose, my puffy circular cheeks, my caterpillar eyebrows, my wide masculine neck, my crooked teeth and long earlobes; all of these things are me. I am merely a version of my brother, just female. How can any one want that? I saw it today ..saw who I look like and I searched in pictures I kept taking of me on my phone for beauty ( I have no compact mirror). And the more I took pictures searching the more I couldn’t find it. It was worse than any puzzle with the one piece you need hidden under your sofa. I don’t feel like I will find even a glimpse of any beauty. Down down the spiral I go of what society has said what is pretty. I don’t fall in that at all. I will never be that. There is no changing the fact. It must be nice to be pretty. I wonder if they are happy or do they think just like me.
Archive for December, 2007
I can’t explain all the emotions I am going thru right now. I just found out that the homestudy (the long awaited final piece of paperwork) just got delivered to the agency this morning. Finally it is in their hands for review. Tomorrow is when they typically have approval committee meetings and I am so praying that our case will be on their agenda.
When I spoke to the “new” caseworker they were hoping to place the baby with us before the end of the year. That was just music to my ears, it sounds so positive and hopeful for us. So now I wait again but I feel much better then before wondering when the homestudy would get to them. It sounds like they have already chosen us but are just waiting to go thru the formalities of it all. I can’t believe I will be a mother soon. I have been one so long in my heart and now in reality it could come to pass.
It is going to be life changing but I am so ready for it. Maybe not ready, ready but I am so ready for it to get here. God is so FAITHFUL. I don’t think I have said that enough. His timing is perfect and loving. He is awesome and wonderful and merciful. He is a loving Father! He got us thru this and I know He has been with me with my up and down emotions. I didn’t think at times I would make it but yet here I am breathing in and out waiting to be a parent.
I am so excited, thrilled, fearful, and anxious all in one. It is so hard to grasp all the emotions I am feeling but for now I think or I know the end is near in this journey or this chapter in this book. I think soon we will take on a whole new unit in this novel God writes in my life. I can’t wait to read the words on the page and see how it all turns out. Now I wait for the “official” word and will keep everyone up to date. Thanks for all of you who have prayed and given us so much during this time. We needed them and still do…there is still a legal battle to be won. I claim it now, SHE WILL BE OURS AND WE WILL BE HERS!
Sister in Christ
So thus began another slew of paperwork with the new agency and obstacles of getting paperwork and information from the now “old” agency. We also now had to get my sister thru the process as well. Everything that had to do with my sister went by quickly and easily…she kept saying it was God since she was there. I think she was correct.
We had to make some changes to our home for the fire inspection and thankfully passed it easily. Our biggest hang-up was getting our homestudy from the old agency. They went back and forth with us but overall were giving resistance to giving over the homestudy. We were going to have a huge delay if we had to start over to perform another homestudy. But I tell you loudly, God is faithful. Out of the blue we get a call from the new agency that they have all agreed to use the old homestudy and do one more interview and we would then be done.
The old caseworker comes to our house and gets it done in over two hours of questions. We think it went very well. She tells us she hopes to get the written up homestudy to the agency by the Monday after Thanksgiving. I was hopeful.
So Monday has come and gone and no homestudy as of yet. We spoke with the old caseworker on Wednesday and she said she was almost done and had two sections left to write and hopes to get it to the new agency by the end of the business day on this Friday. Again I am hopeful. If she is able to get it to them then we are off to the approval committee, which is the last stage. If approved we would begin pre-placement visits with the baby. So I wait in confident expectation of our Lord as He is the one who has gotten us thru this every step of the way and I am sure He will get us thru the rest of it.
So I sit and wait to hear we are in the approval committee phase but mostly I wait to hear that we are approved and can begin the pre-placement visits. We have received words of encouragement and positive information from the caseworkers that we are just fine and they want to place the baby as soon as possible but until it is “official” I won’t be at peace. Till then…keep praying and I will keep everyone posted.
Till next time…