That’s What I’m Here For

For as long as I can remember I knew this day would come…while it isn’t quite here it is near. I thought I would be joyous almost boisterous for this day. I thought I would laugh and be merry because it would be justice for all the wrongs that were inflicted upon me and my family…even extended family.

As I got the news on yesterday from my sister my heart ached. I hated it for doing that. I didn’t know why it would betray me, was it not my own heart? After talking to her about it and getting the details of what was going on I was left to think more about it than I ever thought I would. I immediately remembered a promise I made to myself long ago that if this day ever came,  I would be there for my mother. I tried to busy myself in my classroom but my mind whirled around the upcoming days as things would naturally unfold.

I decided to stop and just go home and talk to my Mom about what was happening. Remarkably I didn’t show any bitterness or hatred. Had time healed me? Too soon to tell I think. Maybe the wiring in my brain is jumbled or its out of its socket. All I know is this is not the response that I had hoped for or expected to experience. I am experiencing quite the opposite and it feels so foreign to me that I feel like an alien has invaded my body and is in some type of robotic setting and is just going about the day to day grind but on the other side I feel that six year old girl in the corner, terrified, bruised, scarred, and screaming a crying yelp from the depths of her innocence lost. She still craves justice and vengeance to be honest.

But while she is kicking and screaming the realization is that my heart is not my own anymore…it belongs to Christ and He has soften it. I didn’t know it even happened. I thought it was the same one that was violated, the one that lost trust in men, the one who would beat erratically on those dark nights. But my heart is lighter and the scar is scarcely there…while it is still deep under the surface one such as myself can’t see the scar as it was.

As the days go by, I worry that scar will open and I will have to deal with it again.

Jumbled heart,
Me

Today Hubby is sound asleep as he is recovering from dental surgery so his meds. keep him asleep. Munchkin is also sound asleep as that six year old needs her twelve hours!

I roamed around the house feeding the cat and dog and then I put in my iphone and when “Waiting Here for You” by Christy Nockels I felt led to write about what I was so aware of.

My Everyday Blessings.

I was sitting folding the laundry with two able arms and folding meant I had a healthy family. The clothes meant I had money to purchase them. I put a load to wash and I had a washer to wash those clothes and I wasn’t sitting at a laundromat waiting for my wash to get done. As I put the towels away in my linen closet and it was full of towels, that meant I had the money to buy them and the water to take baths, clean water!

As I passed my hallway and saw the countless picture frames God blessed me with extended family, friends and memories I will always cherish. As I went to kiss Hubby on the cheek to check on him and show him I care so deeply me. God had chosen to bless me with a wonderful God fearing Husband.

As I read to Munchkin today I know that means I was given a child when my body wouldn’t do it for me by Jesus himself. I have the luxury of kneeling at her bedside in her own room and get to spend that precious Mother and Daughter time.

As I went to do dishes that meant our bellies were full and our fridge had the food to hold it. As I did all this around the house that is a blessing it is mind boggling how I am sure I am not the only one that these things that can sometimes seem like such a chore are blessing from up above and tonite I send up my praises to Jesus for giving me…

• dirty dishes
• dirty clothes
• library books from the local library
• dental insurance
• a full fridge
• a washer and dryer
• a full linen closet
• running clean water
• a home to protect us from the elements
• Munchkin and Hubby
• picture frames filled with loved ones in my life and the memories

I am sure there are countless others that we are surrounded by. Take time to look around and instead of mumbling about the tons of laundry sitting in piles waiting for you to get to….send up praise to Jesus thanking Him for giving you those loved ones that fill those clothes daily.

I thought it would take me some considerable time to journal this very significant journey and change in my life. Writing about it in my mind made it so real. Don’t get me wrong…all the meds and other things made it very real but now I look as the words appear on the screen and there it is black and white. My life is forever changed. No changing all my errors, mistakes and moments were I let my flesh rule…no going back.

I have to live this new life. I feel often like I am a walking firework…wrong choice and BOOM! That may seem harsh or overwhelmingly general but it is how I currently feel. I am a bag of emotions. I am grieving, angry, livid, sad, confused, worried, at odds and fortunately hopeful.

I have shed thousands of tears these past few days…with God, my Husband and my parents, my siblings and PB. I know in my heart that there was no way I would have survived this without them. I would be dead in the water in depression and sulking as I blindly felt my way thru the dark room I was in.

Good news, I see the light. God sent the RIGHT people in my life for just this moment. He is going to turn it into GOOD. I will be the first to admit it was hard to think that much less type it. I resisted praising God thru it. I wanted to because I knew it was the best thing for my spirit but it wouldn’t come.

My husband took me to church two days after my diagnosis and as I entered the large worship center at Woodsedge tears pelted my face instantly. I didn’t know I was at odds with God until I entered that room. I wanted to run and scream and hit something. My husband gently grabbed my hand and guided me to a seat. I found myself folding my arms and my body language changed. All of the sudden I was mad. The tears didn’t stop until the pastor began his sermon. So thru worship music and communion I balled! I just let it out and had a very intimate talk with God.

During this service, the music pastor asked us during communion to write on a piece of paper anything we felt God was “awakening” to us. It was at that moment I knew what God was doing.

I wrote:

God will turn my diagnosis into good.

There it was. In sharpie and now in the basket for all to read….

Now I sit trying to make that happen for God and myself.

My heroes during this time:

First my father! He has been such a rock for me. I have grown closer to him and relate to him in such a way I never had before. The man I first fell in love with had a deeper love from me now more than he knew. I know I was meant to be his daughter! We are so alike and I know he will be with me thru the “highs and lows”. I know he won’t let me down and I won’t let him down. Daddy, I love you more than you know! Thanks for marrying my Mom and having me…no regrets!

Second my husband…wow you have seen me at my darkest thru this and you never showed me fear or worry. You were a mountain of strength where you let me tap into it when I had NONE left. You whispered me to me that “we were in it together”. You never left my side as I went thru the horrible side effects of the meds. You were a powerful force in keeping my sanity. You would walk in the bedroom with such a gentle look on your face when it was time to check me or give me the meds that I knew were going to make me sick. You would stroke my hair as I cried out. I can never ever repay such tenderness, care and love you give me. I am BEYOND blessed!

My family and friends…so many of you called, sent me a text or sent up prayers to almighty God! Melissa and Nicole…thanks…always my voice of reason. I love you all dearly…I hope you all learn from this. I need you to. I love you Melissa, Paul, Brittney, Derrick, Sydney, Natalie, Allen, Matthew, Sean, Dylan, Jordan, Joshua, Rudy, Pavi, Ashely, Brendon, Nicole and James.

Jasmine…mija right now you don’t know what is going on. Know this I will be fine and you won’t have to worry about Mommy. You are so kind and gentle to me and you SO take after your father. Never lose that ability to care and love for others. Your daddy raised you rite. I love you my Munchkin.

Finally Jelly just won’t work without PB. You have a way of gently pushing me to do what I need to do to take care of myself. During these days you made me laugh…even though that made me more nauseous but it was worth it.  I know I can call you at anytime to hear me cry or vent thru the anger and saddness. Thanks PB!!!! I got mad love for you!

Diabetes has me…but God has me more!

Me

I no longer freely can talk about her…or boast stories about her and how she is doing. You took that from me as I know you lurk the internet in search of anything from her.

I am forever going to not post pictures of her cute smile or beautiful laugh caught for a glimpse on film because you tormented us and made it clear you were off your rocker and didn’t know how to let go! You disgust me.

Although time has passed with nothing I still wonder…I won’t give you the satisfaction that you so want. I will keep that card in my back pocket at all time..so if you think some more years is going to do it…NOT! Decades can go by and while I so enjoy the stories and photos you won’t see them or your shady eyes won’t read the words off your screen.

I can see you behind your screen reading it and thinking…HA! How ya like me now! I will say this…our journey is almost over and a very physical part of me wants to tell you so I can have it to hold against you…but I won’t. Because another part of me is finished with it….this posting is because I would love it if I didn’t have to wonder if you are trying to get information thru the internet.

Onward….so neighbor have you lost all your senses. Can you seriously not know I can hear you all the way over here. I can! And everyone else in the vicinity. It is sad because part of me knows that anger…been there…and I have been taken from there…oh don’t get me wrong all I want to do is tell you all about it. But I find I don’t care for you.  And that is another sadness because I wish someone would have told me and offered to help me with it. But no one ever did and decades of my life were spent there in that dark place.

What right do you have to come and take someone so precious to so many people…because you can’t handle rejection or looking like some punk.  Really…your momma or daddy didn’t tell you no and then show you how to handle that!!!!! Shame on them….because the gun was the answer…now look what you did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   He was a breath of fresh air when he walked in a room…if he smiled you were going to smile whether you wanted to or not. He was going to be an AWESOME father…and you just took that. People hate you…and you know it. For me it is a continuous sign that parents are failing all over!!!!!!!!! Even now…kids are being coddled. Every one is a winner…no such thing as losers…in the REAL world you will lose…so maybe the schools are failing the world too! Oh let’s not hurt their feelings….let’s talk to them…no more spanking them…it will hurt their self esteem….NOPE parents do! So maybe just maybe if we went somewhat back to the basics you wouldn’t have picked up that gun to deal with the rage within you!

RANDOM

I have a dear friend who was a foster care parent who has a heart that could beat for the whole world with the love she has for children. She had fostered one son for over a year and he still has her heart but that child was placed back with his biological mother.

God has now blessed her and her husband with a child that is due to make his debut into the world sometime tomorrow. I am so excited for her and her husband as they finally will have a child that no one can give to someone else. They went thru so much to get to this upcoming day and I am so excited to see this big bundle of joy.

So I wanted to be the first or maybe second to say Happy Early Mother’s Day Alicia! May it be such a joyous day! Kiss that baby for me and Andra and Munchkin.

Your friend,

Me

I became a Christian when I was 30 years old but I have been looking for something long before then…for a group of women that I could:

hang out with …

pee in my pants laughing with…

cry and ball my eyes out with…

call at 2 in the morning with…

sit on the back patio and talk about all my insecurities with…

show who I really am and be accepted for who I am with…

discuss the bible with…

grow as a Christian wife, mother, sister, friend, and teacher with…

that we all sit around and love and lift up each other in this world with…

see as one group of women who just loved hanging out with each other…

I see this group in my head but I have yet to find them…I am so to blame. I keep people at a distance especially women. I feel inferior to them…Like I don’t have it as together as them and it can go on and on this list of faults as to why I am so far out of reach of this phantom group I long for.

But I have a trickle of hope that one day I will find them or God willingly they will find me. Our pastor at church today talked about taking a journey together with a band of sisters…Oh how I hope He sends them to me. And He sends them soon. I don’t want another year to go with them in my life…even if I don’t know who they necessarily are.

Searching,
Me

Today I sit at home while my child is at a mother’s day out program. Hubby is fast asleep from his previous double shift and dog is actually napping as well. I have 90% of the house to myself in peace and quiet. I relish this because in the quietest of moments…in the stillness of it all I feel like “me”. The “me” I rarely get to be…think about it. I am mother, which I love being…I am wife, which again I welcome to be any day.

When I was younger I played many roles…surrogate mother to my siblings, high schooler with straight A’s, sister, daughter and best friend. I can’t recall ever having any real alone time.

So now I sit here and it is quite an awe inspiring moment.  I feel just like little ole me…not mother, wife…but Cathy. And I can say it is refreshing and nice. I would say every woman should have this time of being your first “hat” that you put on …YOU!

I am so glad that my husband pushed for this mother’s day out program as I was totally against it and wanted to keep Munchkin with me all summer long.

So for the next few blissfully quiet and alone hours…I am going to be ME! Whatever that may be…So I encourage all of you wonderfully made women to go and find some sliver of time to be the perfectly and just good ole’ YOU!

Be Blessed,

Me

So I am on this Golden Girl marathon since much of my time at home is spent in my recliner or in bed.  Bed rest is not actually resting …it is like a torture form of boredom really! I thought I would like to catch up on my rest…but now I think I am overrested and my body is now trying to reject just the idea of rest. Worse thing is I can even really do anything in bed that is constructive…most things require me to use my back muscles. I thought of scrapbooking…back. I thought of folding laundry…back. I thought of organizing boxes of photos…back.

If I could teach my legs to be my arms…I think I would certainly nip this boredom in the bud. While Golden Girls is very funny, (Hubby disagrees but I move on) and entertaining it just isn’t enough!

I really want to scream and then scream some more and then laugh till I cry! But my Munchkin is asleep in the other room and that would probably freak her out a little. I am such a good mother… So I reach out to all my fellow bed rest readers…hang in there…it has to end sometime!

Me