That’s What I’m Here For

As the number of years rise for my age, I feel with that brings wisdom. 2011-2012 school year has been turbulent to say the least but with it has brought some intense experiences for my soul.

I am reaffirmed once again life is short! I have always known this deep within my bones. It became my life motto at the young age of 17 after losing a close cousin of mine to a gun. Now it resonates in my soul once again after losing a colleague and friend.

Forgiveness is sweet to the soul! The Bible speaks about this act to forgive others that have wronged you….I think there are no utterances of the English language that can describe what it physically does to your heart.

Teachers are heroes behind brick walls! I am not a hero but I work with some great ones! (DeBord, Feld, Czop and Kurtz-miss you Misty).

Being in physical proximity of someone doesn’t make you best friends…sharing your lives does! You may be down the hall but you are always with me PB!

Siblings always have your back…or at least mine do!

You can walk into a room full of people and have the most dreadful thoughts of them and your attitude may be like dripping rain off a tar roof but allow God to work in your heart and at the end of it all you may smile and leave away with some sweet new friends! Let God change you….it only makes your life better.

Husbands can be exactly what God intended them to be. But you have to do your part as well for it all to work together. Don’t try to lead them…let them lead you.

Finally, to the title of my posting…take time for you. With all these truths I have come across…the one I most cherish lately is when I take time for myself. Whether I read my bible to some nature sounds in the background, or I belt out an Adele hit or I lay on my bed and pray to the Lord…I find it makes life easier here on Earth! So everyday treat yourself to You! Besides who knows you better than you.

Many Blessings,
Me

Lord, because you are my God,
because you have made me,
because you have saved me by the blood of Jesus,
because you have loved me fiercely,
forgiven me completely,
and accepted me eternally,
I gladly surrender my life to you.I am trusting Jesus as my Savior from sin.
I now bow to him as my King.

All that I am and have I give to you –
my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my family, my relationships, my health, my career,
my money, my time, my talents, my hobbies. My whole life belongs to you.

Though I will struggle and at times fail,
I choose to rest in your grace,
which is greater than all my sin.

Father, I receive your love.
Jesus, I am devoted to you.
Spirit, I depend on your power, not mine.

I am on mission for you Lord.
I am your blood-bought servant.
I am your passionate worshiper.
I am your fully devoted follower.

Have all of me, Lord Jesus. I am yours.
Amen.

“Jesus, I surrender to you.”

Courtesy of Woodsedge Community Church in The Woodlands, TX

www.woodsedge.org

I won’t even begin to try and sugarcoat the adoption process to anyone out there. It has been HARD. There is no word to describe the difficulty of trying to adopt our daughter!

It has tried me in more ways than I care to know or ever want to  know again. My bones ache just recalling how it pained me to wait and I still wait for our daughter to be adopted. It has been four years and counting. But it is in God’s hands now.

But there is such GLORY in the Lord!!! He provides those sweet, tender moments just when you need them. Today I shed some wonderful loving tears!!!

Allow me to paint the picture for you. I come home from the gym. I am sticky and sweaty but my Munchkin runs to me, screaming “Mommy, Mommy”. She jumps on me and tells me she has something to show me. I place down all my bags and she runs to go get this “surprise” as she calls it.

You are about to see God in this child! I weep now just sharing this with you. But the point of it is to tell you God is so good! He gives and gives!

Jasmine’s Book

Let’s turn the page.

She drew a picture of me with a bow on my head. Now sure why she puts a bow on my head but it’s cute right?

Next page.

“I have a Mom and Dad and they love me so much and I watch TV with them and we sit on the sofa.”

Turn.

“You love me so much and care about me.”

Flip.

“We watch TV and DVD’s and play together.”

“And we will go to the movies with my Mom and Dad.”

Last one.

All things end with love for her.

You can well imagine why I cried. If you have been in my life these past few years taking on this child was so difficult at times. But this book proved so many things for me:

• God answers prayers!
• All the time and effort we put into spending time with her paid off.
• She knows without a doubt we are her parents.
• She confidently knows we love her so much!
• God is going to get us to the end of this journey one day.

So whatever you may be facing…trust in the Lord with all of you!

Me aka “Mommy!”

As someone who can’t recall hearing God except for maybe two distinct times in my life, I am getting an earful from Him now!

My mentor training class has been such a breath of fresh air and has equipped me with some skills that every Christian can use.

This morning I woke up and decided before waking my Munchkin I would make sure to have my Bible time and quiet time with the Lord and I was giddy in anticipation on what God would say to me.

He didn’t disappoint! I chuckled during my time as I was so stirred of what He was saying and why had I not done this before. I have had my time with Him before but nothing like I have experienced these past few weeks. I can say that He has spoken to my mind and heart each time and I look forward to hearing from Him in the very near future.

As my day went on I found I was talking to Him and praising Him. I craved to talk to Him more and see what He has next from one moment to another.

It was a sweet day with the Lord.

Simply,

Me

At church today, I had my eyes closed as the worship group on stage just played music and no words as others took to communion with the Lord. I rested against my husband shoulders as we had already partaken in it and was thinking of God.
Tears rushed to my eyes and this sense that I was going deeper in love with my Father in Heaven! I hadn’t had that moment in years. My fault to be honest.

I was quite stagnant and more at a pace in this race of life. A nice steady pace that neither hurt me or helped me either. January 4th changed all of that!

A friend, fellow teacher and colleague died suddenly. She was the youngest of our team and a warrior for Christ. I know without a doubt she is up in Heaven praising, singing, dancing and enjoying the love of Christ as I type this.

I miss her dearly but I say it often she is the lucky one. She is home and we still are here. It made me quite sad but as the days and weeks past a message was coming to light in my mind from her death:

• I needed to get off my bottom and move!
• I needed to get to my calling
• I needed to race for the unseen crown in Heaven!
• …and that God was speaking to me thru her passing.

So I made some leaps of faith some might say too many but I will let God tell me to stop. Some of these steps were already in motion physically or mentally in my mind  and my friend’s death merely was the launch for them.

First, I started going to a small women’s bible group which I love going to. They are so authentic and are prayer warriors! They have my back! Love it!

Next, I felt God call me to get my Master’s in Christian counseling. I have heard other women tell me thru out my life that I should be a psychologist. Well I decided to go at it with God leading the way. I have started this degree and it has shaken me. I am thrilled to do it and love diving into His word but at the same time I wonder if I can keep up along with the other pressures of normal everyday life…such as being a Wife, Mother, Teacher, Diabetic, Sister, Daughter and etc…Anyone know what I am talking about???

Recently, I joined a training class to mentor younger women thru their walk as a Christian in my church. This one really got to me! After the first meeting, Satan was kicking me and I was bending over!! I talked with my wonderful husband and best friend to get their input and pressed on with my insecurities tagging along like ducklings being led to water. That’s ok that their back there and I see them and while they may try to weigh me down they do not stop me from what God is working in me.

With all these new paths He has led me to I am more and more in the word, praying more and just going to God more. I have one fear from all this and I want to just be real and authentic in this ride He has me on.

#1fear- I might have to let go of some friends I love dearly. That’s not because I am judging them but because it might be best for my walk with Christ. I have read it recently in scripture and have felt it in my heart. I have prayed about it and still wait to hear from God but I know if I have to it will all work itself out for good and for God.

I challenge you to try to level up with God! I did and this is ride is better than anything else I have experienced thus far.

Simply,

Me

P.S. Thanks Misty! I miss you dearly and I take seriously the promise I made to Christ after you died. You will not have died in vain and you impacted my walk with Christ!

For as long as I can remember I knew this day would come…while it isn’t quite here it is near. I thought I would be joyous almost boisterous for this day. I thought I would laugh and be merry because it would be justice for all the wrongs that were inflicted upon me and my family…even extended family.

As I got the news on yesterday from my sister my heart ached. I hated it for doing that. I didn’t know why it would betray me, was it not my own heart? After talking to her about it and getting the details of what was going on I was left to think more about it than I ever thought I would. I immediately remembered a promise I made to myself long ago that if this day ever came,  I would be there for my mother. I tried to busy myself in my classroom but my mind whirled around the upcoming days as things would naturally unfold.

I decided to stop and just go home and talk to my Mom about what was happening. Remarkably I didn’t show any bitterness or hatred. Had time healed me? Too soon to tell I think. Maybe the wiring in my brain is jumbled or its out of its socket. All I know is this is not the response that I had hoped for or expected to experience. I am experiencing quite the opposite and it feels so foreign to me that I feel like an alien has invaded my body and is in some type of robotic setting and is just going about the day to day grind but on the other side I feel that six year old girl in the corner, terrified, bruised, scarred, and screaming a crying yelp from the depths of her innocence lost. She still craves justice and vengeance to be honest.

But while she is kicking and screaming the realization is that my heart is not my own anymore…it belongs to Christ and He has soften it. I didn’t know it even happened. I thought it was the same one that was violated, the one that lost trust in men, the one who would beat erratically on those dark nights. But my heart is lighter and the scar is scarcely there…while it is still deep under the surface one such as myself can’t see the scar as it was.

As the days go by, I worry that scar will open and I will have to deal with it again.

Jumbled heart,
Me

Today Hubby is sound asleep as he is recovering from dental surgery so his meds. keep him asleep. Munchkin is also sound asleep as that six year old needs her twelve hours!

I roamed around the house feeding the cat and dog and then I put in my iphone and when “Waiting Here for You” by Christy Nockels I felt led to write about what I was so aware of.

My Everyday Blessings.

I was sitting folding the laundry with two able arms and folding meant I had a healthy family. The clothes meant I had money to purchase them. I put a load to wash and I had a washer to wash those clothes and I wasn’t sitting at a laundromat waiting for my wash to get done. As I put the towels away in my linen closet and it was full of towels, that meant I had the money to buy them and the water to take baths, clean water!

As I passed my hallway and saw the countless picture frames God blessed me with extended family, friends and memories I will always cherish. As I went to kiss Hubby on the cheek to check on him and show him I care so deeply me. God had chosen to bless me with a wonderful God fearing Husband.

As I read to Munchkin today I know that means I was given a child when my body wouldn’t do it for me by Jesus himself. I have the luxury of kneeling at her bedside in her own room and get to spend that precious Mother and Daughter time.

As I went to do dishes that meant our bellies were full and our fridge had the food to hold it. As I did all this around the house that is a blessing it is mind boggling how I am sure I am not the only one that these things that can sometimes seem like such a chore are blessing from up above and tonite I send up my praises to Jesus for giving me…

• dirty dishes
• dirty clothes
• library books from the local library
• dental insurance
• a full fridge
• a washer and dryer
• a full linen closet
• running clean water
• a home to protect us from the elements
• Munchkin and Hubby
• picture frames filled with loved ones in my life and the memories

I am sure there are countless others that we are surrounded by. Take time to look around and instead of mumbling about the tons of laundry sitting in piles waiting for you to get to….send up praise to Jesus thanking Him for giving you those loved ones that fill those clothes daily.

I thought it would take me some considerable time to journal this very significant journey and change in my life. Writing about it in my mind made it so real. Don’t get me wrong…all the meds and other things made it very real but now I look as the words appear on the screen and there it is black and white. My life is forever changed. No changing all my errors, mistakes and moments were I let my flesh rule…no going back.

I have to live this new life. I feel often like I am a walking firework…wrong choice and BOOM! That may seem harsh or overwhelmingly general but it is how I currently feel. I am a bag of emotions. I am grieving, angry, livid, sad, confused, worried, at odds and fortunately hopeful.

I have shed thousands of tears these past few days…with God, my Husband and my parents, my siblings and PB. I know in my heart that there was no way I would have survived this without them. I would be dead in the water in depression and sulking as I blindly felt my way thru the dark room I was in.

Good news, I see the light. God sent the RIGHT people in my life for just this moment. He is going to turn it into GOOD. I will be the first to admit it was hard to think that much less type it. I resisted praising God thru it. I wanted to because I knew it was the best thing for my spirit but it wouldn’t come.

My husband took me to church two days after my diagnosis and as I entered the large worship center at Woodsedge tears pelted my face instantly. I didn’t know I was at odds with God until I entered that room. I wanted to run and scream and hit something. My husband gently grabbed my hand and guided me to a seat. I found myself folding my arms and my body language changed. All of the sudden I was mad. The tears didn’t stop until the pastor began his sermon. So thru worship music and communion I balled! I just let it out and had a very intimate talk with God.

During this service, the music pastor asked us during communion to write on a piece of paper anything we felt God was “awakening” to us. It was at that moment I knew what God was doing.

I wrote:

God will turn my diagnosis into good.

There it was. In sharpie and now in the basket for all to read….

Now I sit trying to make that happen for God and myself.

My heroes during this time:

First my father! He has been such a rock for me. I have grown closer to him and relate to him in such a way I never had before. The man I first fell in love with had a deeper love from me now more than he knew. I know I was meant to be his daughter! We are so alike and I know he will be with me thru the “highs and lows”. I know he won’t let me down and I won’t let him down. Daddy, I love you more than you know! Thanks for marrying my Mom and having me…no regrets!

Second my husband…wow you have seen me at my darkest thru this and you never showed me fear or worry. You were a mountain of strength where you let me tap into it when I had NONE left. You whispered me to me that “we were in it together”. You never left my side as I went thru the horrible side effects of the meds. You were a powerful force in keeping my sanity. You would walk in the bedroom with such a gentle look on your face when it was time to check me or give me the meds that I knew were going to make me sick. You would stroke my hair as I cried out. I can never ever repay such tenderness, care and love you give me. I am BEYOND blessed!

My family and friends…so many of you called, sent me a text or sent up prayers to almighty God! Melissa and Nicole…thanks…always my voice of reason. I love you all dearly…I hope you all learn from this. I need you to. I love you Melissa, Paul, Brittney, Derrick, Sydney, Natalie, Allen, Matthew, Sean, Dylan, Jordan, Joshua, Rudy, Pavi, Ashely, Brendon, Nicole and James.

Jasmine…mija right now you don’t know what is going on. Know this I will be fine and you won’t have to worry about Mommy. You are so kind and gentle to me and you SO take after your father. Never lose that ability to care and love for others. Your daddy raised you rite. I love you my Munchkin.

Finally Jelly just won’t work without PB. You have a way of gently pushing me to do what I need to do to take care of myself. During these days you made me laugh…even though that made me more nauseous but it was worth it.  I know I can call you at anytime to hear me cry or vent thru the anger and saddness. Thanks PB!!!! I got mad love for you!

Diabetes has me…but God has me more!

Me

I no longer freely can talk about her…or boast stories about her and how she is doing. You took that from me as I know you lurk the internet in search of anything from her.

I am forever going to not post pictures of her cute smile or beautiful laugh caught for a glimpse on film because you tormented us and made it clear you were off your rocker and didn’t know how to let go! You disgust me.

Although time has passed with nothing I still wonder…I won’t give you the satisfaction that you so want. I will keep that card in my back pocket at all time..so if you think some more years is going to do it…NOT! Decades can go by and while I so enjoy the stories and photos you won’t see them or your shady eyes won’t read the words off your screen.

I can see you behind your screen reading it and thinking…HA! How ya like me now! I will say this…our journey is almost over and a very physical part of me wants to tell you so I can have it to hold against you…but I won’t. Because another part of me is finished with it….this posting is because I would love it if I didn’t have to wonder if you are trying to get information thru the internet.

Onward….so neighbor have you lost all your senses. Can you seriously not know I can hear you all the way over here. I can! And everyone else in the vicinity. It is sad because part of me knows that anger…been there…and I have been taken from there…oh don’t get me wrong all I want to do is tell you all about it. But I find I don’t care for you.  And that is another sadness because I wish someone would have told me and offered to help me with it. But no one ever did and decades of my life were spent there in that dark place.

What right do you have to come and take someone so precious to so many people…because you can’t handle rejection or looking like some punk.  Really…your momma or daddy didn’t tell you no and then show you how to handle that!!!!! Shame on them….because the gun was the answer…now look what you did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   He was a breath of fresh air when he walked in a room…if he smiled you were going to smile whether you wanted to or not. He was going to be an AWESOME father…and you just took that. People hate you…and you know it. For me it is a continuous sign that parents are failing all over!!!!!!!!! Even now…kids are being coddled. Every one is a winner…no such thing as losers…in the REAL world you will lose…so maybe the schools are failing the world too! Oh let’s not hurt their feelings….let’s talk to them…no more spanking them…it will hurt their self esteem….NOPE parents do! So maybe just maybe if we went somewhat back to the basics you wouldn’t have picked up that gun to deal with the rage within you!

RANDOM